There are 14 Reasons why women in Nigeria and elsewhere remain in Abusive relationship.
I. They don’t want to be stigmatized.That is they don’t want to be judged or pressurized by others. They want their self esteem to remain intact . It is not because the sex is good.The sex is actually a “Forced sex “through intimidation and abuse,no romance.And the woman thinks ,oh he loves me since he is asking for sex.No he doesn’t love you he just wants to ” COUGH OUT SOMETHING”.She doesn’t want to be labeled by the people around, so she hangs in there.
2. Lack of family support. Parents don’t want their daughter to leave her husband house because it will not look good on them. The environmental variables, behavioral variables and individual personality traits tend to influence the decisions made by the abused.
4.Poverty: Some of these women came from poor background and their parents see their daughter marriage as economic power. Most of these women lack good education, employment or source of income. So they see their spouse as the bread winners or savior. These women are financially handicap.
5.Religion: The churches will not support divorce under any circumstances. Since churches do not support divorce they should include marriage counseling before marriages and ask valuable questions to make sure that they both understand the implications of what they are about to go into.Monitor them for couple of months for things like anger management, patience, communication, commitment and asking questions.
6.Communication pattern: There is usually no alignment in communication between the two. Lots of lies and deception goes on in the communication. He doesn’t want you to know anything about his family or family assets. He hides valuable information from his partner. The partner finds out the truth from outsiders.
7. Fear of the Known: There is the fear of unknown in most abused women when they want to leave the abuser. Will I survive living on my own?. Who is on my side?.Will he come and kill me if I leave him?.According to John B Watson ( Classical Conditioning),he is an American hero and the father of behaviorism.He demonstrated how fears can be created through the use of Classical Conditioning,a fear on the White rats in little Albert.( Important figures in Learning Theory, page 156)
7. Inability to differentiate abusive behavior. The abused most often does not realize that they are abused until outsiders or their own children start pointing out what they see as abusive behavior in the relationship.
8.Level of Confidence( Self efficacy): Sometimes the abused lacks Confidence and does not believe in herself and does not think that she can accomplish something without the help of her husband. Individuals with high self- efficacy are more likely to succeed. So if they have the support of the clergymen or their family they will take the plunge.
9.The Children: Most abused women do not want to leave the marriage because of their children. So they hang in there with the hope that the abuse will stop one day.
10.Denial and pretending: Most of the abused often denied the abuse and point at other couples that they believe that they are better than. Well atleast my husband does not slap me on the face.He only gives five lashes in my ass,so nobody can see it.Most of these women are confuse and don’t know which way to go.The other one says he puts me down in front of our children but has never slapped or hit me.
11.Liberated women: Most of the liberated women do not allow themselves to be relegated to the background. They pursue feminist agendas and want to be equal to the men. But the unliberated women hang in there until they meet their untimely death.
12.To Change Him: I love him that is why I want to stay with him.One day he will realize his mistakes and change for the better. That one day will never come.You will wait until he kills you or you are forced to pack and run for your dear life.
13. Isolation: I don’t want to lose all of our family friends because they won’t want to deal with me or some of them might want to avoid me because I will be single if I leave him.Well single is much better than death.
14. The Churches: Most Churches have not addressed domestic violence or have plans to address domestic violence. Rather what the Churches want to do, is to enable it and hide it away from the naked eyes. Divorce is not an option says evangelical pastor . According to the bible ,”Woman be submissive to your husband”. But how do you submit to physical, emotional, financial, sociological and mental abuse to a dysfunctional human being who does not care about you or his children?.Submissive does not mean violence. The bible didn’t really address domestic violence because God encourages love and not hate.Love should not hurt and must not be painful.